Photo taken on Pentax K1000 – Ilford HP5 – Buchanan St Glasgow
I could feel inside, feel that feeling like it was slipping, slipping away, slipping from my grasp, whatever ‘it’ was. I try to keep my cool, but she senses that, knows I’m crumbling inside. I ask what she’s up to tomorrow night, and she looks disinterested, even a wee bit disgusted, not sure, think I’ll catch up with Rachel and Sarah. Ah ok, I say, yeah, think I’m seeing John, trying to play it off but I’m dreaming of her, and she knows it.
I know the time has come, this entity or companionship, relationship, car crash, whatever you want to call it, it had hit the wall and I felt myself slowly sliding down, dying bit by bit, I had to try save myself but didn’t seem able. I might appear to be free, but I was just a prisoner of her love. Trapped behind metaphoric bars screaming silently waiting for the day to get free and smell the air, inhale the stench of loneliness but also of freedom and regaining control. I might seem alright, and smile when she leaves, but my smiles are just a front, hiding the pain and insecurity, the fear of loss and change which is embedded in me for some reason, deep-seated and ingrained. I tried meditating and my mind raced at a hundred miles an hour, tried breathing into the uncertainty and the pain, the fear, the emotions which I could fathom were empty and impermanent but also making my mind dance on hot coals.
I decided it was time, I would leave and not come back, I almost burst into tears but tried to hold it together. I didn’t want confrontation, just wanted to slip out the door like a ghost in the night. I tried to say goodbye and I choked, she knew what I was trying to do but didn’t make it easier, what’s wrong, she asked, give me a break, life always seemed hard and seemed to get harder as life went on as well. I stopped speaking, and just tried to walk away and I stumbled. She had a smirk on her face and was shaking her head a wee bit. She was like a cat with a mouse, with no intention of eating it, just killing it slowly and playfully, making it suffer but it having no real hope of survival. Give me a phone later in the week yeah, she said. Yeah, sounds great, I replied.